we'll meet again someday

2009-11-03T23:00:00.004+08:00

reliving those bits n pieces
feelin the adrenaline again
its amazing.
countless untold stories
trails across miles
our shared secrets.

the thought thrills
it always did
and always does
unspeakable
no words can describe this.
a place called our home.

have you ever skipped home from sch cos home has all that you will ever need?
i have.

2009-10-26T22:56:00.002+08:00

abandoned.
been a blast!
how a year can change someone
goals.directions.moments.dreams.
it all comes along
and it's been pretty
pretty stubbon
bitchy
a side for none
but the eyes of ours

thanks.

for you.

2009-01-22T13:25:00.001+08:00

writing again in the longest time. just before she goes.
the past 6 months have been amazing.
loved.
next 4 will be fine.
hard to do it.
but yes.
love.

2008-06-25T09:59:00.002+08:00

jaded.

2008-05-04T16:00:00.003+08:00

quite an eventful three weeks

work has been fine
getting to learn more now
and thankful for the help he's giving
and of cos
pretty colleague makes things so much better (: hah.
had great lunch on friday. and good news too.
it's just that conincidental sometimes

went for interviews
good learning experience definitely
but makes me doubtful again
elitist. bullshit.
another one on wednesday.
less nervous this time round
i'm just glad to have made it thus far.
and at the end of the day
im beginning to wonder what may happen if it advances.
perhaps suited more for normality.
being up, bearing expectations.
damn tiring.
3 yrs of this load has made me skeptical.

graduation day soon
28 may (:
then grad dinner on 31st. urgh
im looking forward to graduation,
definitely not the dinner thou.
i dun see the pt in this.
give me OUR grad dinner
not urs.

this month appears to be getting short
almost one day of leave each week
great.

and seeing the triplets has maded this week wonderful
can't find another word more describing, not just cute
but extremely.
when u see three little ones walking around the hse
perfect (:

off to dramas.
in the end
i'm still a drama queen.
not there.
but here.

i realised
i can't handle when it really comes.

saturday morning

2008-04-05T10:31:00.002+08:00

feelin good on a saturday morning
work has been freakin boring
ACCOUNTANTS HAVE NO LIFE
nobody talks
it's disgusting
my irksome mentor hasn't been helpful either

but on a brighter note
my pretty colleague asked me out for lunch :)
i need a gym partner.

was watching the class video daisy made for final ppt
each time i watch it
feelings are stirred up
and with each time
im feeling more appreciative
and thankful
working w such a motivated class.

next week seems fun
haircut on monday
meetup w annie and sy on thurs
going back for baoc on friday w the rest
tues and wed to recover
mid week's damn hard to pass.

and lunching at raffles place is terrible
tissue papers, name tags, umbrellas
watever can be used to 'chop' a place
havent been lunching well
weather and crowd are major turnoffs
balances the insufficient exercising though i guess.

other than work
life's kinda borin
i need to find sth to do
and thank whoever it may be
for the new jurong redevelopment
my flat price will be gg up
YEAH
i'll probably be working in jurong in future
the thought of home and work being so near
sounds wonderful
im only hoping it doesn't really take 15 years
i'll be an old woman by then

and this thought suddenly crossed my mind
im not gonna spend 10 years fighting with crowds for lunch
time to think of sth.

don't need to look at paradise.
everyday can be legendary.

heartened

2008-04-01T20:50:00.002+08:00

just came from another entry
very heartened to know i'm on the right track
after such a long struggle
it took me a long time
to realise it's just that simple
yes. that simple.
just a min of putting things down
and calling or typing
tt's the difference.
i'm glad things have turned out this way:)

and i got the awaited letter
wasn't as excited as i thought i would be
but definitely happy still.
i just had a pt to prove
and now i've that i've proven it
i need to find a second point to make.

first day of office work today
man an accountant's life is dead boring
my most commonly used qs today-
do you need help?
i figured im gona bring some stuff to read
hopefully it gets busier
and i never knew i'm expected to take 2 hours to print 17 files
now i know why everyone has a job
cos they simply sit on the job
and take 2 days to finish what could be done in 4 hours
right.
that's to way to keep your job it seems.
i'm going to ask my pretty colleague for lunch soon
when i cant even remember her name
damn.

i've been having amazingly wonderful dreams
makes me look forward to sleeping now each night.

post interview

2008-03-30T10:03:00.004+08:00

done with interview.
was alil nerve wrecking initially when u see the big group
but im glad janice was around
it definitely made things easier

interview topic was about happiness being preordained
so the profs just shot questions for discussions at us
and u just really had to speak
cos everyone's trying so hard to be heard
relatively fine.
whether or not i'll get in is secondary
im just glad i went for it
it definitely was an experience
im still hoping for that other letter

and yes. i agree with the thoughts of an interviewee in our group
happiness is really about being contented
and how much you want it.

busy at work straight after the interview
working on saturay too wasn't interesting at all
im just glad its over
and looking forward to my new job next week:)
though there are so many reasons for me to hesitate
i think it's time i push myself through this.

ive no idea why my google countdown timer
is counting down to graduation

on a last note
i'm very glad i chose 3 yrs and not 2
i've been seeing the difference
pros and cons yes
but definitely more of the former
ive met amazing people
and over the past few weeks
ive learnt alot
things i know would have been neglected if not for them
so. im thankful he led me in this direction
now it's for me to find my own

it's crazy but
when u keep replaying the song
it somehow realises.

urge

2008-03-28T12:59:00.002+08:00

sudden urge to blog before gg off for smu interview
it's been bugging me
i've no idea why either
just been feeling irritable
group interview doesnt help either
and definitely not a writing component after that

started work this week
very flexible hours honestly
but ive decided to do sth more relevant
hopefully gives me sm direction after this

end of 6 sems at np
last sem was good
good for all definitely
and we deserve it
i've been gg back to school
gyming and meeting up
finally feel healthy

so after spending one month gg for interviews
and choosing over n again
its time to get sth done

been watching ads these couple of days
interesting. very

been avoiding sm things
sorting sm out
feels like ive been doing this for years

and i enjoyed my 20th this year
thanks so much to everyone
goodbye teen
hello ty

off to get ready
hope it'll be good
hoping for another
but it's still an alternative
i hope

angel in disguise

2008-02-05T00:23:00.001+08:00

ages since the last post. thought i would abandon it d
but decided to put some thoughts down.

tmr's my last presentation in np.
unique one definitely.
sth apart from the typical ppts
as im penning the points down for my individual report
i realised
i've learnt alot. intangible.
i rem dreading the process
waking up and going to bed with red camp
planning for business studies diploma display.
developing endless proposals and incorporating countless changes
running the 3 days of red camp
the nivea branding.
and yes. we made business studies the top diploma chosen in np.

with the class
packing and packing
meetings and MORE meetings
production line

with the lecturers
emails and more emails
calls and more calls
changes and more changes

with nivea
negotiation and more negotiation
samples, n more samples
collection of products
emails and yes, still more emails
crazy anticipation for meeting altricia from nivea
complains from daphne

but i've learnt.

with my class
humility
determination
drive
commitment
their support

with lecturers and nivea
working with lecturers/mgmt and external parties
tact
still humility
professionalism
efficiency
yes. better negotiation

i'm thankful.
for the people around
typically
the nostalgia's coming

this sem's projects:
smm (2)
ib (5 and 1 major)
bb ( 2)
lam (2)
bpc (yr's efforts)
hcom(2)
wisp (3)

i've enjoyed
and really learnt
though sometimes the result doesn't quantify the efforts
i've had great proj mates
absolutely

alot more for each of them
but damn difficult to put into words
i really appreciate.

and the team.
passed down
passed on the baby
2 years
all the ups and downs written here
and i told her.
after so long.
after it was long over.
thankful.

final presentation tmr.
afterwhich, back to final exams

and lately, one additional interest. v.
crazily.

2007-08-29T17:09:00.000+08:00

ytd night was good:)
spent precious time with them
and hsin drove us around:]
somehow the whole idea
that pple around me are starting to drive
makes it all feel so old
the feeling of..
we've all grown up.

things change
and i guess
the stuff u do tgt over the years change too
it just becomes weird to do sth like u did in pri sch
sec sch.
damn awful feeling
but pple just keep movin on.
dun they.

visited ntu hall last night w them
and surprise visit to peishan
weird but nice:)
the past two days have been borin
gg back to sch for NEXT SEM's proj

wat nonsense

but anyway it's more or less done
for now.
next three days in camp
trngs friendly trng friendly
aye
i wanna play a new game
before everything turns stale.

dinner with girls later
off to complete stuff for proposal

BORING

im really tryin to find a new sport
tennis is good
still finding sth tt gives me the adrenaline
and doesnt require interaction w water
suggestions?

2007-08-24T00:33:00.000+08:00

smtimes i read
and i cant help but think
if it's been misunderstandings
i dunno.

good day ytd
but it seemed damn long
and yeah
i thought i was done w it
but i realised
i've no idea when i can speak of it honestly
and the way i want to speak about it in
no hiccups
no stammers.

interesting night
thanks man pple:)
time wont heal all wounds
getting ur answers will.
i guess
i hope they'll be enough
to show tt u made a right decision
ms lovely's a lady of steel
i swear i'll nv be able to do tt
the way u asked for ans
but pls don let the hatred overwhelm
look back and be glad u did it.
keep going lovely.

tennis-ed today
and down to gram's
lovely:)

the job offers been coming in
yeap.
but i've been turning them all down
crap.
why must there be SCH again next week..........

and camp. argh
campcampcampcamp.
argh.

oh but one good news for myself:)
aikido lessons startin soon
yeahyeah
dun tap me from behind in future
i may end up throwing u over
HAHA
i wish.

my white house
w many new friends
jenny
nat
cassy
nancy
lizzie
conked out.

2007-08-22T10:58:00.000+08:00

all over. yes.
but the satisfaction's really not there.
maybe the effort wasn't enough.
but either way, it's over.
so hols now.
time to start on my plans for the next 7wks to come.
first up: get a job.

5 sems gone.
damn fast
and i havent any idea wat i wanna do
smtimes i think i know
then suddenly along comes sth
and the direction's gone agn
still
off to look up schools and offerings.
pls have a 2 yrs local 1 yr overseas one.

game first now :)

2007-08-20T01:19:00.000+08:00

i've songs to acc me thru each phase
and this playlist is prob the best thus far:)
exams exams exams
but my mind's slackslackslack
and playplayplay

and it's so weird telling pple
im STUDYING a website
i don't want a second life btw
nono
not good
cos i suddenly rem
king or peasant
we all dance with the reaper.

we saw the differences today
and i've been irritated smtimes
but i told u still
that thanks.

i felt like a doc today
now i know why i wanted to be a doctor when i was 6
cos it feels good to help
and be helped.

3 wks before germ flies.
and soon. hsin and da.
my chicky club's gonna miss her
and we're gonna miss them too

is it a trend to fly?
ok i'm gonna fly too.
next yr when i finish my 6sems in np
to uk
lookin forward:)

she's too much for me

2007-08-17T00:46:00.000+08:00

before sleeping.
resolution 2 (for 2mths break)
1. try paintball
2. tennis at least once every fortnight
3. gym: tbc
4. READ my story books. READ yes
5. sign up for golf
6. out out out. i want out
7. work.
8. oh yes. try minyi's plan.

how to fit these into 8weeks.
plus trngs.
ok i'll think bt it
dream bt it.

and there's camp.
the last camp
meant alot to me
moving up those steps
i nv wanna do it again
and i stoopidly kicked a big stone ytd
w the toe
then it all came back suddenly
well.
good and bad.
only the good remains:)

YEAH. SLEEP

2007-08-16T23:41:00.000+08:00

vietnam was good:)
v good break
thou the books kept haunting me every now n then.
shopped shopped shopped
ateateate
die

and i saw again
that's how impt it is to a kid
their support and cheers
tt's perhaps the best gift of all
and i miss it
i nv heard again. then.

been studyin since i hit home
study break seems so short
good
im so gonna get away more often
energised:)

i think it's in every parent
to want their kid to do them proud
but i guess
you did it the wrong way
cos it's fear n loneliness i see in him.
i've always loved it
thou smtimes. yes. i didnt
but still.
sth tt i waited for
behind the fence.

back to vietnam
visited the cu chi tunnels
excellent work
hard to imagine how they could build
with bare hands
and survived
i admired.
and bobby traps
damn good

i tried shooting
super awkward positioning:{
almost went deaf
i think
the soldiers must have been deaf
from years of shooting
bam.

and the first lunch
room service.
we were too tired to get out
and the traffic
nonsense.
how to cross the road??!
almost puked on it

ME: 1 set meal per head?
RECEPTIONIST: yes
ME: Very sure? 1 set meal for each person?
RECEPTIONIST: yes 1 for each person.
ME: ok send it here quick:)
we almost choked on the food
i was sleeping when it came
and i literally saw three ladies carrying these in
literally thought i was dreaming
so went back to sleep
but my mom woke me up with her exclaimation
CRAZY.

SECOND DAY:
SHOPPING

funny. we actually had our ladies night out
twice in 4nights:)

Great steak:)

and check out the traffic. worse than china.

it was an accomplishment to cross 5 such roads on the second day
matter of getting used to it
standing in the middle of the road
and 'making eye contact' with them
letting them weeze past u
and continue TRYING to cross

good trip
good break
couple more days to another break
and start of my postponed resolution:)

sleep.

and when i realised.
it just din hurt
maybe
it din strike tt deep.
well done.

2007-08-08T01:55:00.000+08:00

i love thousand miles
i love her hands
i love the piano

so im going to fine tune my piano keys
and play it all over again
from where i left off
so much to do.

next: sexy-saxophone:)
i love.

2007-08-08T00:59:00.000+08:00

over.
for good:)
but dreads
it was torturous
esp having to listen for ur feedback
useless and stupid feedback
so. off i went

i haven't been able to speak my thoughts
help

just back from trng.
it still matters
but not as much now
it's just amazing
how sths can be brushed aside
but i think i do tt best
and yes. hold on
keep holding.
till it's over
i'll look forward to those days.

been bit confused
been thinking hard too
ur qs
everyday i see sth diff from u
and yes i'm getting e trust
but im afraid
i can't reciprocate
in the same way
still
it's close to me.
at least
i learnt
u could stay up there.

no expectations
no disappointments:)

2007-08-07T01:05:00.000+08:00

too practical
i need to start thinking w tt pumping thud
'stead of tt rotten mind
thanks anyway:)

last presentation tmr for sem.
hope it'll be good
30slides under 7mins.
help
even bullets dun go so fast.

and i lost it today
as much as i meant it
i know u're reading
but we'll talk it thru after tmr:)
and yes, we've come a long way.

i dun noe either

2007-08-04T00:08:00.000+08:00

it's getting around.
you shouldn't hear either
it's ok.

enjoy wkend - tennis. yep.
off to vietnam on national day.
anything anyone wanna get?

flying off during study break
genius:)

suddenly the whole world seems to know.
opps

2007-07-29T16:18:00.001+08:00

great. off courts. yep.
very cute ladies:)
buibui. haha..
cant imagine some are only 16 STILL.
but sadly christina aka. ah ding is leaving.
sigh.
if only.
nice dinner after games.
and wonderful night.
esp. when u said yes.

i almost asked.

2007-07-28T15:01:00.000+08:00

last game.
good fight girls:)
and yep we won it
but no.
it shldn't have ended like that
we lost our direction along the way
or is it just me.

2007-07-20T01:59:00.001+08:00

it's getting more evident
more meaningless each time
it's burning all out.

it's just one on yours, and ten on mine.
and that's why i need not know why
till then. we shall see.

2007-07-17T22:47:00.000+08:00

shanghai shanghai shanghai
back in singapore but shanghai is still invading much of my time
one last night of rush.
reports
ppts
all out
and a good day tmr
before the next game on thursday.
and shit again.

1 game in the bag. keep going.

2007-07-14T08:17:00.000+08:00

after ten yrs.

monotone.
it's all just like a standstill sometimes. since the beginning of it.
serious need to get out of this
keep running running running
when it's the same spot still in fact

problems here shit there
it seriously doesn't stop
it's just so easy to ask for changes
but there's so much to bear behind
and you've just taken ur first step on mine.

i still hate school
never that much before
and all else
dread.

drag on.
for three weeks
then to vietnam
and exams
and break. finally.
i badly need a long break to get sick of breaks
cos im extremely sick of this.
two good months to decide
if a change will be good

2007-05-05T00:33:00.000+08:00

moving around aimlessly since sch started
still trying to get the ball rolling
after three weeks
tired.

2007-04-08T21:56:00.000+08:00

caught on new show
great dinner on tuesday
you woke me up
from the drunk stupor
envious
of your lil girl
very.

last week of work ahead
then sch again.
excitement pls.

got shoes
finally
it's easy to spend
what's not your money

bam.

2007-03-30T22:16:00.000+08:00

a simple sentence
i hope you understood
i repeated it to him
and i know he did.

beat it.
we can't tell
and u
absolutely can't.
i agree
Everything
is just reflection
reaction and resound.

interesting chalet coming up
secretive.
learnt
we all learn
the simplicity sparks.

out to sell next week
we'll just try
before we rot
like the melon.

nightmares
of suicide
and vampires
i need
a brainwash i think
spank it clean
another day tmr.
before the last two to come.

2007-03-18T15:37:00.000+08:00

sth caught my attention two days back
i saw e selfishness
enough.
the world doesn't revolve around you
so snap out.
and stop blaming
quit pushing
look at ur reflection
it doesn't speak of you anymore
i thought things were good
until that very minute
it snapped
and everything's been downhill since
you make me start wondering
whether what i've been seeing
has simply been a masquerade
so before you point fingers
please
check ur reflection.
and practise what you preach.
quit the nonsense.

i find
i can speak to u no more.

2007-03-13T07:45:00.000+08:00

the day wasn't special in any other ways
besides reminding me how i've wasted time and effort
on what should have never been.
the card
simple
yet it's all i really wanted
thanks girl:)

and yeah
no more.
saw u yesterday
after so long.
but nah.
that's just about it.

wishes from the most unexpected people
thanks all:)

first trng yesterday since december.
slacked. but shagged.
still.
i love running:]

it prob. slipped off ur mind
or u never really bothered.
but i understand
really
i do.
that's y i said
that's just about it.

2007-03-07T22:05:00.000+08:00

review session for toe again yesterday.
doc gave the all clear sign
even printed the xray for me
now i know why i had to wait for 3 hours to see him
but still
was immuned to the disappointment i guess
so didn't have too high hopes
especially when he told me last month
that it would have to be another 4-5 months out
but now
i can start training all over again
just one month after he dropped me the bomb
now
just a slight part of the bone still off
i wanna run.
and jump.
making plans now to buy my 6 pairs of shoes
first one will be from my sis
second from my cuzs
the rest.. from my pocket which already has quite a hole

and im enjoying work
surprisingly
interesting tasks
challenging ones in fact
and they only ascertain my beliefs
like what our IC said
--it's all a ploy
we're all players.

gonna be a busy sem after the hols.
meanwhile shall just enjoy working
and of cos. TRAINING:]

i guess
im starting to appreciate your appearance more
soothes the imbalances in me.
thanks:)

2007-03-02T22:51:00.000+08:00

nonsense miscommunication.
each time i went over i wanted to give u a pat
and cheer u on
but.
smhow.
the opportunity just cudn't come by
as much as i kept finding
silly reasons to go over.

SATURDAY finally

2007-03-01T22:45:00.000+08:00

absence doesn't always make it fonder. nonsense.

work has been alright. tiring, seeing yellow and green.
but nice pple around. patience is the best virtue:)
and they really have it.
kinda found sth that makes me wanna go to work
have this tendency to always do such a thing.

and i've a huge resolution
to settle a huge problem.
and it starts from tomorrow:)

realised it seems so foreign now
so. broke the communication.
been almost a month
and i know it doesn't get any longer
but yeah. that's about it
last episode on 7th feb.

new show awaiting
i believe:)

2007-02-25T23:27:00.000+08:00

been listening to the same song the entire day -- self deception
theresa's voice leaves an impression at the first instance.
found a new candy :)

the right lift but with the wrong arms

2007-02-21T23:01:00.000+08:00

it's been a yr plus since i last saw them
and i miss the days we used to head off
straight to julie's hse after JJ.
hopefully we'll meet for dinner soon
and more dramatic stories from them:)

first day of work
honestly
i never thought
i would be this interested
considering how i've never been
whenever i see his.
but yes.
learn.
8weeks to go
cheers.

and she taught me yesterday
that there's really no such thing
as living for the moment
it's just not practical.
and we can't be impractical
when the world is round.

2007-02-16T22:09:00.000+08:00

that time of the year again.
the dinner
the only one
i'll always be the youngest to attend
that shapes my entire year

tonight
i was told
thrice.
that they don't have a choice.
that i'll understand
in 4 years time
the reason for their persistence.

it's been hard on you
3 and a half yrs of nightmare
and the pain
i've never seen
masked by the laughter.
i thank you
most sincerely.
for helping us
to keep this going.
and i understand
why you never had a choice
even in the first place.
and when u said
we'll have to keep going
even when
we can no longer
support ourselves and stand upright.
cos i learnt
that the last thing we have is a choice.

the reluctance
only gets stronger
with every year's dinner

yet.
it's my only promise to you
one i never
ever.
will break.

and tonight
we aged.

2007-02-16T00:50:00.000+08:00

over. again.
tired out
the best way to spend the last and therefore the first day
was their beautiful company
and they give one reason
to look forward to new yr's day.

and this time round
i realised
that my expectations swallowed me.
since then
i realised
that it ceased being a rat race
but one of fulfillment.
and we're only accountable
to ourselves
in this aspect.
to put our pens down
and smile.
they've never put forth
any expectations
yet it has silently crept in on me
resulting in
the extremes of emotions.
and i was reminded again
that all these
are but unworthy pursues
for the ones worthy of our efforts
are those standing by us
giving the reason
to stop in our tracks
and return a word of thanks.

an aim for the next seven days at least:
to dine with her
and knock down the door
between us at 7pm
to watch silly shows together
and listen to her
tell me abt her day
and nag.

i read this.
"King or road sweeper, everyone dances with the Grim Reaper".

will you give me your first dance
before your last one comes

2007-02-09T00:06:00.000+08:00

nv done this before. and it's really wearing me out.
productive yes. but overload smhow
i need to consolidate them.
to find more space.
still, he really is someone i thank you for:)

the 4 mins were enough
provided the push
and the energy i needed
but i shouldn't have handled it tt way
..........

v glad it's a once a week thing at least
keeps me going for the remaining days
and anticipating the immediate following days
next week.
once more

it reminded me of then
those 4 days
when everything changed
it's a question
with a never to be reached answer
we'll nv know
how
why
when
where
just that note by the gate
after hours of unreturned calls
and 4 days
afterwhich
it all changed
like a nightmare
the empty seat
is still unoccupied
and untouched
for you.

it's the impossibilities
i keep holding on to
the 'stop' tab has remained inactive
so it's the same notion replaying
over and over again

i wish for my motivation too
like the 4 simple minutes again.

2007-02-03T11:32:00.000+08:00

and then we realised again
that all it takes is a snap
gone.
it's that simple
that fast
that we barely saw its worth
until
then.

boring days
burying myself in text
the whole thought of attachment after exams totally doesn't appeal
and i've never missed shoes so much before
for every other day of the year after then
i'm gonna be in shoes
top of my list now
is to get 6 pairs of shoes
and discard all other footwear
2more months
after which i'll run my toes off
this bugging pain should really get out

can't believe it's 'cousins studying time' later
the amazing things we can do tgt
absolutely looking to feb 15
but not 18 19
we lose the chance
every year
to have a happy new year
and every year
we shrink in size
cos it's one down after another
this year.
please keep us tgt
so 2008's new year
we'll finally get to don red

i can't figure this out
4
going 5

2007-01-30T00:18:00.000+08:00

false hopes again.
snap out
off.
till im out of this game

2007-01-29T01:52:00.000+08:00

i forgot.
how i held ur hand
as u led me across the road
and waited with me
and watched me grow
and taught me to be strong
to shelter her from the cold
im but an ingrate
sorry.
im sorry

2007-01-28T01:33:00.000+08:00

ungrateful idiot
me.

2007-01-26T12:08:00.000+08:00

you left me wondering if i was just part of ur winning strategy
hypocrisy
hidden agendas
out now.
thanks for the timely reminder
least i know now.

irrational behaviour again
sorry..
the familiar faces
helped me realise tt simplicity still exists.

thanks sy:)
it was enough
now. afresh

and yes. things will only get better
thanks:)

2007-01-25T02:37:00.000+08:00

give me the faith. and strength. to keep walking on
like you've always did.
it's nothing comparable to the path u took
so i know
you'll guide me thru.

thank you

2007-01-23T00:01:00.000+08:00

just got global cities assignment done
half crescent eyes now..
need to sleep desperately
nonsense..

bbq on wed
i love gatherings:)
hope everything goes well
and everyone enjoys themselves
i wanna see smiles
love them.

tired.
bed looks good
yet foreign
n yes
the simplest things can make you really smile
really depends on how we view them i guess
im positive
we're right

long day tmr..
goodnite

a beautiful mistake

2007-01-21T13:11:00.000+08:00

now.
stand up and be counted.

no more drifting
fingers back on white keys
lets play it through this duet

block the voices out

no repetition
no black keys
no pedals
no metronome
just the white keys and me
and the finest piece
all eyes set
bring me through.

inexistent keys
uncovered melodies
and an incompetent me

2007-01-20T07:26:00.000+08:00

there is none like you

it hasn't been the same.
since then.
last time
make good
and move on
now
i honestly have an answer
and it's here to stay.

thanks for everything
and..bye.

2007-01-19T00:25:00.000+08:00

don't feel like saying anything

forget it..

2007-01-18T00:40:00.000+08:00

too late
i neglected
again
i looked in
it wasn't that face
i once saw

i've forgotten
the familiar sight
that familiar voice
the familiar scent
i vividly rem. rolling the paper
and being rewarded with polo mint sweets

i heard alot about you
the negativities
and i developed my own impression
of you, back then
but.
all moms love their children. most. at least.
and i believe
at some point in time
u loved her too

for 3 years
i nv saw u
negligence
i failed
failed terribly
i'm sorry

when i looked in just now
i realised it didn't feel
the way it should have
i
forgot
forgot how it feels
to lose someone
maybe
the immunisation sank in
numb.

history's been repeating itself
time after another
i keep thinking i've learnt
but i keep losing my priorities
and the effort to realise it
this feels.
absolutely.
crap.
it feels like im losing control
of everything
sorry

din expect to let her in on all these
i don't hate him
he din have a choice as well
he would have wanted to fulfill his promise to her
and sing her the birthday song again.
we've been singing on ur behalf
she's in safe hands
rest assured
we'll keep our word.

i miss. both of u.

2007-01-17T02:08:00.000+08:00

i guess.
it'll come to an end soon
this time for real
real soon
im coming to terms
with all these feelings

it's not that hard to decipher
definitely isn't
only a matter of whether u bth to
but i know u won't
so i'm not hoping
cos i've had enuf disappointments

last game tmr.
we keep saying we'll make it good
tmr. we really must.
as best as we can
i hope to see smiles
joy.
cos tt's what we've been fighting for
that very chance
on court
to give it our all.

went jogging yest
feels great sweating it out
prob. let out more than just the perspiration
but the whole load of stuff as well
explains the happier mood today i guess:)

i need to start getting work done
so much to do
but i've barely started
been pushing
time to start
when everyone's ending.

she used to give me round polo mints
and i used to play with her chin
used to.
perhaps they've reunited
somewhere out there.

cos i believe
we'll meet again someday

2007-01-15T14:26:00.000+08:00

monday blues seriously..
i've been trying to focus for the entire sem
but i can't stop getting flashes
it's the second time
by someone so insignificant

can't understand
how it happened
and went on this way..
for the past 3mths
it has always been the same
and as much as i keep saying
i'm out
i realised
i;ve just been going in circles
the 'back to square one' feeling
thought it was a second chance
but realised it was imminent still
so much more has been going ard me
but im stuck here
in my own hole
unwilling to crawl out
completely retarded

what exactly do i need
to see that i'm wrong
to have stepped into this circle
and put myself thru this nonsense
maybe if u would give me an answer
straight in my face
to dispel all hopes

i'll distance myself
and maybe
after tomorrow
the next time we meet
i'll be able to look at you
without any qualms..

off to lessons 2, 3 and 5 from joanne..

2007-01-14T14:00:00.000+08:00

lost it. but third chance came by still.
i said.
we can. we must. and we will.
on and off
we're together in it.
let's make it good.

limin's hse for mahjong after nus game..
played thru the night
lost thru the night too
seriously need to attend mj lessons i think
loser..
brain kinda shut down ard 5.30..
and i think that was when i lost the most
so crappy
7.30 auto wakeup time
managed to figure things out.. hah
then watched some drama and talked till 12 plus..
tried to do marketing proj but cudn't access my phone
it was locked. n i happily forgot the password..
and all the info i needed for the proj was in it
seriously i think im on a streak of bad luck
ultimate suay.
thanks to joanne jy n limin for lending their phones though:)

was supposed to meet ju n germ for dinner
but was too tired to move at all..
totally conked out till 8 plus
super guilty now.. very sorry...

went to get the phone unlocked just now
they reset it..
and i lost almost all the msgs of a very important person
whose msgs i've been keeping since october last yr..
136-18 really equals to heartache..
have been wanting to change the phone but didn't bear to
cos i knew i'll lose the msgs if i did..
but now. argh...
18msgs left, maybe i shld just get it changed.. and let it go.
now the phone's such a turnoff.

i don't want a new face
don't wanna lose the urge to play
i realised you kept it
now i know it means sth to you
yet. i don't know how to feel
crap.
i shld have told u when u asked
but im afraid to lose
in this game for two..

it's simplicity that keeps us going

2007-01-11T09:19:00.000+08:00

7 really ain't enough.
that feeling again.
incapable
to do anything.

longest time on tuesday
4 hrs
thanks

but connectivity
zero

sorry

2007-01-09T23:25:00.000+08:00

i don't need entertainment.
i need to break free now.

honestly.
we don't connect.
i'm the weakest link.
crap.

2007-01-09T01:12:00.000+08:00

sorry

2007-01-07T23:25:00.000+08:00

it made me realise
how different we are
whether opposites really attract
think i lost my answer smwhere then.

ur composure struck me
but im glad you're fine
that's what matters most
maybe we ought to keep a distance
lest my span of bad luck gets to u
sth i absolutely wudn't want to see

the mere meeting motivates
drives me through a boring day
may you get a pleasant surprise tmr:)

and thanks. for the second chance
i'll make good the time
i promise.
i won't disappoint
i've learnt my lesson
gratitude.
for the time extension
just as i thought i entered the last lap. a loser.
now i've another min. to race
and i'm inspired
to go even faster. and further
second time round,
i'll give more.
and play the game by all the rules.

thanks.

i'll give the world.

2007-01-05T14:59:00.000+08:00

awkward silence
awfully disliked
don't wanna leave it as such
but i haven't got the simplest of ideas
to guide us out of this circle
we need more words
spoken words.

slow down
let me catch up
and bring you back down
let me help
no is the last i wanna hear.

last time i'll be seeing you this way
it's been a rollercoaster ride
brought to extreme ends
only to realise now
what you meant in saying
that we're more often than not, misunderstood
you were
i believe i still am
no less than before
despite the many attempts
to bridge this gap.
if only you would stop
and listen
to what i've to say to you
but ifs truly are inconceivable fantasies.
time's almost up
yet here we are
still going in rounds.

the umpteenth time im feeling this way
and i start questioning
why i never learn
that people come
and they go
and we should take such times
with grace and smiles
cos it's time for them to go
and for us
to move on.

i found reasons for my irrational behaviour
not excuses
but reasons.
we shldn't be excused for irrationalities
but we have reasons to be irrational at times

everyday
i feel im approaching an imminent loss
and now im just a week away from it
from losing a part of what i've embraced into my life

still.
i'll keep believing
that contentment is the word
and the hopes should stop.

enough.

- songbird-

2007-01-04T09:33:00.000+08:00

bad start.
but yes. positivities.
the bad goes, the good comes
hope it'll be better next week.

lessons now, just did some silly quiz
home later to work on marketing proj
then back to sch to finalise econs proj
then trng.
sidelines as usual.
friendly with hall team later
hope the girls do well:)

promised i'll be nice
i'll try.
as much as i've always tried to
perhaps u really aren't the one
guess it's gonna be one of the last times
i'll try.
to leave the good with u

project rush this wkend
preparing for emotional outburst
awful.

i wanna help u
if you'll allow me to
i'll try
as much as i know it'll probably go unrequited
still
perhaps the last i can do for you

gd day:)

2007-01-01T11:38:00.000+08:00

2006

eventful year
opened me up to alot
and showed me much
not exactly a lousy year
but we always hope for the better
you gain, you lose
that's the way things go, isn't it
lights off now.

- curtains down -

2007

new hopes
new wishes
new expectations
new dreams
new goals
new events
new people
the irony is that it's really just another day
with a different year in the date
but we see things in new light
and everything becomes new
tt's what i mean by , we always hope for the better
hoping that a new year will bring a better tomorrow
which of course is a hope
and we survive on hopes

so i hope that in this new year
gram will walk out of depression
ah ma will keep walking the way she does now
mom will learn to walk with more courage
sis will walk steadier steps
and i'll walk with more faith

- lights on -

to a less eventful year. together:)

2006-12-31T11:06:00.000+08:00

thurs was nice:)
got my haircut. always easier to maintain.
met tiff. thx for the bag girl.. i still owe u 4. hah.
then trng. again, at the sidelines.
managed to get myself involved along the way..
n i figured
when we're able to run, we complain alot and refuse to
but when we really cannot, running seems like a hope too far to reach.
i miss running. miss flying.
post-trng talks again. loves.

fri. stayed home the whole day to rest.
have been planning one day home one day out schedule
give the toe smtime to rest.

sat morning, trng. same thing.
but coach was nice, kept me involved in courtwork.
then headed off to queensway for lunch and to get the shirts
and then to get jy's shoes
the shop assistants were so cheery
debating if man u was gonna win reading
and liverpool beating tottenham..hah.
and some silly lady who was really slow (in her mind)
gave us a good laugh.. hah..
then off to meet cuzs for movie
night at the museum
seriously quite lame, but interestingly funny.. hah
and usual routine of pool after that
before gg far east
got studs
and dinner.. splurged quite abit
and walked so much..
had to bare with the resulting pain
so gonna rest home again today
on 31st. wat a bore.

and i tried yesterday after so much contemplation
i guess certain things are best left the way they are
and it shall be
contentment.

i caught this look in ur eyes
telling me it's as simple as this
guess i ought to be contented. really.
it hasn't been long
but enough to turn my life upside down
and enough to build these ties
enough to keep me going in rounds
2 more weeks
and it'll be goodbye

it's been a year.
so much up and downs since then.
all worn out
but still trying
as best as we can
to keep this going
i miss you.

2006-12-28T10:29:00.000+08:00

did some work in sch yesterday.
at least i managed to get alil done.
feels better in sch than at home
definitely.
nice talk with glenn
he made me ponder hard over some stuff

gonna get a haircut later
before i really become a caveman as i told tiff
then gonna meet her in sch
thx for making the trip:)
n trng after that, watchin from the bench again.
will do some shooting n passes
least i can do is that
but it doesn't really matter anymore now
guess, i'm over it.
there's nth i can do, besides coming to terms with it.

hols are coming to an end.
hopefully can catch a movie with my cuzs this sat.
then countdown on sunday
not at home i really hope
i can't stop wanting to walk since i cast the crutches aside

it feels very silly
having Hope as my diet
but it has somewhat become a fact

heck. off to a good day:)

'People become stronger because they have memories they can't forget'

2006-12-26T17:27:00.000+08:00

just back from the doctor.
saw the xray of the toe, finally.
n managed to take a pic of it. sadistic.
6 more weeks at least.
which means its all gone.
for good.
it hurts alot.
ten times more than the fracture itself.

you said you'll put me on if i continue
n i told u the only one and most important difference
is that you won't be ard by then
nvm. you won't understand.

the only gift i unwrapped today
i threw away - crutches are off now.
one week on them has been awfully horrible.
n i simply cannot stand them
hobbling around now, but it feels good
at least ive both feet on the ground now

im happy for you girl:)
really glad we can speak this way
n that you understand.
it's urs to be. im sure:)
have got loads to tell you on thurs.
n i know it's not just me.. hah.

and i woke up this morning with a lovely surprise
definitely cudn't have been a better way to start my day
i felt as thou the message spoke to me
and i hope it's personalized:)
as much as i think it isn't. still. it's nice to hope.
im thankful.

as bad as things may get
you make me believe everyday
that everything happens for a reason
and you give me a reason to hope
that the next encounter will be better:)
thanks.

2006-12-24T21:42:00.000+08:00

i'm praying over n over again for a miracle
tt's how much i want to get on
dying for the chance
i was just a millimetre away from it
n you took it away
took everything away in a shot
leaving an empty shell behind now
a walking zombie
who just wants each day to pass in the blink of an eye
nv felt this lifeless before
it's tearing me apart

i promise
i won't grumble
i won't complain
i won't negotiate
i won't sulk
i won't sigh
i'll run
i'll do the steps
i'll make the drives
i'll reach for the highest pt
i'll receive the pass firmly
i'll do the shots
i'll do anything it takes
just to get on again
to fight on with the rest
to win it for you.

i'm dying for that feeling again
and it's barely 5days
i can't ask more from this horrid hols
i can't relax
can't not worry
can't not fret
can't just smile n let it pass
cos it means so much to me this time.
just this once. i beg you..

i'm gonna stay home over xmas. and take good care of tt stupid toe
and pray hard that the ortho. will tell me sth nice on tuesday.
sth i can smile over
sth that'll be my best xmas gift
my next best gift
after you.

happy birthday
we miss you.

2006-12-23T14:39:00.000+08:00

it was worth it i guess.
but it's pointless telling me such things now.
for i haven't got the confidence to make it
i really very badly wanna go down
and round things up
give you the best present you could receive
and see that smile again

so much i want to do
yet so little i really can do
helpless
3 mths of perseverance
3 weeks to it
so near yet so far
i need a miracle
i'll do watever it takes to get back on
so we'll realise the goal together

the number on my hand
speaks of the times more we'll meet
i lost my chance there n then
give me a clue
to this puzzle i can't resolve

It's so unbelievable
and I don't want to let it go
something so beautiful
flowing down like a waterfall.

2006-12-20T23:40:00.000+08:00

you made me believe, that everything happens for a reason.
n u helped us to move one step further
to nullify all the doubts.

a simplest word.
thanks

2006-12-20T12:17:00.000+08:00

my curtains came down before the play ended..

2006-12-19T09:45:00.000+08:00

i wanna do some shopping for all of them.
this's the season to give. and share.

caught the holiday yesterday.
found it pretty exaggerating.. but some nice parts stil.
and i think. yes. we make it tough for ourselves to move on
by lying to ourselves each time
that he'll come back again
no more the best friend role
you ought to be the leading man

i'm seriously running out of reasons for the constant msging.

if you were a melody, i'd only use the white keys

2006-12-18T01:04:00.000+08:00

great day:) shopping with mom n sis today. and aunt's family. bought quite a bit. n got 3 pairs of socks. was packing them in when i realised i've 9 pairs of brand new ones. hah.. sth's wrong with me. wat a stupid hobby.

we're getting a tv. yeah. it's high time we ought to.

so much to do in 2 weeks. gotta start the engine again tmr..

got him a birthday card.
it's the season
it's his time again.

it's playin' over n over again..

2006-12-17T00:14:00.000+08:00

tired tired tired

draining training with the sun.
happy afternoon with them
chatty evening with the lil boys n gram.
lovely night with gram.

things r goin to be different again when she's back.
it's gonna be a new period of endless dreading again with them.
i love going back to that home.
the one i called home for 18 years.
the other, it really is nth more than a hotel.
but there's so much unneccessary burden and nonsense to shoulder.
and doubts to bear.
the hotel's cold. but it unlocks the chain.
and life seems much simpler
free from the load of insensibility
5 days more
to a sick cycle again.

finally got down to doing sth i've been wanting to do since Os. tt's ages ago.

those insignificant words made me smile stupidly to myself
yes. it was really sweet of u.
it came in so well. with the rain
that anger simmered with a simple smile
and it keeps leaving me to think how im ever goin to do it.
and u idiot. it's more than tt i want:)

I spent a lifetime hoping it would come to me
Getting lost in the lies I believed
We're covered by a mask that we think is our sin
But we never realized that the truth is within

2006-12-15T21:16:00.000+08:00

finally tests are over. we literally have two exams every sem. and tt's sick. alot of luck this time. i think we really have to trust our guts sometimes. when u get too indecisive, just let ur guts give u the answer. and that's exactly what i chose to do for the first time.

met julie germ and partner for dinner.. germ's flying off tonight.. then julie's turn to fly.. all gg off..will be leaving for guangzhou later too.. short trip with mom. and tmr's partner's birthday.. happy birthday girl! yes you're finally as old as i am:>

it has been hard. the distance between us. knew it was goin to be hard, but not this hard. kinda lost focus on preparing for the tests.. until you came along with those words. that meant so much to me. thanks for ur luck:)

two weeks break. as good as nth again. trng camp next week, 2 friendlies 3 trngs in 3 days. test of our minds. hope everything will turn out fine. that things will settle down soon. before the real test comes in january. we've got so much to do.

wanna get so many things.. bags shirts shoes socks ( i love getting socks even though my drawer's full of them), handphone..my wish for santa this year would be cash:)

physical change tmr. yep.

and i realised yesterday, that i've neglected her admist all the tests n work. i need to stop taking things for granted. n wake up.

Tell all the dreams that you have let slip right through your hands
Do you feel lost inside of someone else's life

2006-12-10T10:17:00.000+08:00

" He has never complained. He put up with the jealousy of Luis Figo and the comments from team-mates that the dressing room should smell of sweat, not aftershave. Every time he takes to the pitch, he puts his foot in and helps the team with that British spirit of never-say-die. If others had done the same, he would not have gone three years without winning anything"

-- Spanish sports columnist J J Santos pays tribute to David Beckham

2006-12-08T11:52:00.000+08:00

musn't be too sensitive. it's bad.
but ur actions prove otherwise.
and words. absolutely disgust me.

yes. u.

second time im telling u.
get lost.

2006-12-07T23:56:00.000+08:00

hectic week. stupid tests again. sth's really wrong with this system. we barely get to settle down and it's tests and exams flooding in.

training was ultimately tiring. silly neck.. stupid rain got us stranded with fitness again.
she didn't mention a word. but. it just sunk in for a minute. and my attitude was really bad.. shldn't have done that..

it's gona feel weird not seeing u for a week now..

i'm gonna give myself a break after the tests. a real break. need to refocus and do some adjusting. otherwise im gonna end up in shags. and time to meet up.. haven't met all for sometime.. always the difference in schedules..

and after the change in programmes for the camp, im not exactly looking forward to it anymore. hah. alil still though i guess.

and thx:) for encouraging.
it gives me alot of determination to keep going.
at least i know u care.
and that's enough.

next time - after tests

2006-12-02T01:06:00.000+08:00

it's a matter of time i go mad
with all these people around
every sec more is torture
the only reason for persistence
has to be you

what day is it?
and in what month?
this clock never seemed so alive
i can't keep up and
I can't back down
i've been losing so much time

went for run yesterday. after red camp.. which i consider to be quite a success, considering the number of people trying out the shots at our area. even with the mini flood at the beginning. wasn't bit prepared for the neck ache though, from constantly looking up at the pole.

all of the things
that I want to say
just aren't coming out right
i'm tripping on words
you've got my head spinning
i don't know where to go from here

run was alright. managed to make it under the time she gave.. barely managed though. gonna run again tmr morning.. before the parents' seminar thing in the afternoon. the week hasn't been good, except for trng..and smtimes i really ask myself why im stil doing all these..

cause it's you and me
and all of the people with nothing to do
nothing to prove

and it's you and me
and all of the people
and I don't know why
i can't keep my eyes off of you

still deciding whether i shld go guangzhou with mom after tests and miss 2 trngs or postpone the trip.. every trng is so critical now. heck. it's draining.

there's something about you now
i can't quite figure out
everything she does is beautiful
everything she does is right

2006-11-29T23:36:00.000+08:00

been trying to find my way back these couple of days..
absolutely dislike that ambiguous feeling.
mixed thoughts.
whole mind of irrelevant thoughts.
honestly doubt i'll be able to put them out.
but definitely gotta try.
time's running out
for both u and i
so i'll make good each occasion
to try. n try. n try again.

i just wanna find my priorities again.
i need a direction

the talk made me realise alot again.
alot that i nv thought about before
and it allowed me to know u better
so i wish it wouldn't have to be the last
we haven't got much time left
9 weeks. that's the max. i expect
afterwhich we'll head off in our own directions again
as though the encounter nv took place
im really praying
that every night will be one of those
leaving a smile behind when we part

i don't wanna lose you
i don't wanna use you
just to have sombody by my side
but like a fool I keep losing my place
and I keep seeing you walk through that door
and like a fool who will never see the truth
i keep thinking something's gonna change

2006-11-26T23:41:00.000+08:00

productive day today:) i love such days..
managed to get some work done. and finished up some others.
and mom happily gave me so many piggy banks today.. so i decided. im gonna start saving from tmr onwards. $10 a week. will try to survive on 10 bucks..
i dreamt of my popo yesterday night.. haven't been to see her in a week.. tt's gotta be the longest time i havent seen her.. excluding the times im overseas.. miss her alot..

perhaps. 10 weeks later. i'll tell u.
make it known. give it a shot
and let it go for good.
if it's not to be, it shall not be
and then life goes on
we move on again.

there are many things we've to fight for
and i promise i'll give it my all this time round.
question's not whether u'll be let down
but whether i'll able to face up to it.

That I would be good even if I did nothing
That I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
That I would be good if I got and stayed sick
That I would be good even if I gained ten pounds
That I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
That I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
That I would be great if I was no longer queen
That I would be grand if I was not all knowing

That I would be loved even when I numb myself
That I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
That I would be loved even when I was fuming
That I would be good even if I was clingy

That I would be good even if I lost sanity
That I would be good whether with or without you

2006-11-23T23:49:00.000+08:00

was overwhelmed by the sudden surge of emotions again just now..
felt like i could run forever..
it feels like i'm gonna get sucked back into this endless circle..
as much as i wanna let it go
my priorities have changed..

it was one of those rare compliments..
but it really made the difference.
the only things im looking forward to now are the dates marked on my calendar.
the 3days.
but i know i really shouldn't hope
cos dreams don't really come true.

i dislike the feeling of losing.someone.
but i know it's near
10 weeks from now.
will you still be here..?

i try as hard as i can everyday
to convince myself i should just do it
but i fear the consequences
perhaps.

cos of you
it has never been the same again

2006-11-23T00:05:00.000+08:00

i felt like crap when u told me that.. u made me start to doubt myself.
how i could be so judgemental.

i didn't realise the impact.. the consequence of my selfishness..
i really ought to do some self-reflection.

now the guilt adds on again. it has never stopped piling on..
and i keep dreaming of the day it'll be washed off by the cheers..

i'm very sorry

2006-11-19T14:32:00.000+08:00

as expected, i heard everything i already knew. so it seems i've quite abit of self-awareness..

we'll just have to keep trying harder. putting more effort. looking at it from a whole new angle. hang in there until then.

i enjoyed lunch yesterday. it was nice bridging this gap. if only things could be this simple. i would love every single bit of it. i think everyone has a span of luck to enjoy. it all boils down to how much more of it you have. urs will keep going.

visited gram yesterday in the hospital. she looked so much better. could even argue with the doc when he tried telling her to do physio. :)
but i didn't know what to tell her when she asked.. the truth would hurt. and it wouldn't do her good right now.. but even the white lie was hurting. somebody tell me what i should do..

woke up this morning and the first thing that came to my mind was ur voice. it was so clear. you waking me up. and how i always used to refuse to get up on sundays. and it was then that i realised, so much has changed since then. everything's so foreign now.

please come back to me

2006-11-12T23:25:00.000+08:00

i feel the motivation again
that urge to hit the books
finally..
my long lost friend's back.

i want the week ahead to be a fruitful one.
so many things i wanna do.

assumptions
the father of arrogance
u don't know me as well as u think u do
n u don't know that taste either
don't assume u do
cos ur reflection's one of ignorance

haven't found solace, soon to be mine.

2006-11-10T19:11:00.000+08:00

in sch lib now. just did 2 tutorials and ief research. hate econs. it's interesting, but it's nv ending..

dun have the blogging urge anymore. good:)

another series of tests tmr, will probably be going home soon to do some mental prep..
hope it'll be a good day tmr:)

been finding all sorts of excuses to contact u.
won't do it anymore.
i think i understand now.
why i feel this way.
cos i nv had before
so when u came into the picture
you coloured my patch of grey.

honestly think i understand now.
it's not that.
it's sth else i've always yearned for.
but nv been able to touch.

finding solace in the piano. -- dancing queen

2006-11-08T20:33:00.000+08:00

a lot. a whole load of relief and satisfaction yesterday night.
one week of guilt wore me off.
im very thankful for everything last night.

it meant so much when u said those words.
so much. you will nv understand.
you showed me the way ahead.
and now i'll give it my all.
thanks for the faith.

all that disappointment
wiped clean with a simple smile
the reassurance you gave
shall be with me from now.

thank:)

2006-11-06T15:58:00.000+08:00

everyday someone's fighting hard to live.
a day more makes a miracle for them.
yet i spend my days in this endless circle.

really shouldn't. i'll find my way home now.
and put a stop to these nonsense.

cos i promised i would.
i shall. and i will.
bless me.
give me your strength again.
the way you always did.

2006-11-02T22:55:00.000+08:00

been listening to this particular song the entire day - when you say nothing at all. oldie, and i love oldies.

went town today for the social psychology experiment. so silly. but gained quite abit. as in saw quite alot. i'm actually alil impressed with the customer service of some shops in DFS:)

all day long i can hear people talking out loud
but when you hold me near
you drown out the crowd

you say it best
when you say nothing at all

2006-11-01T23:32:00.000+08:00

it's that look in ur eyes that keeps coming into my sight.

i keep asking myself if what u've been doing is for the very reason that i believe it is for.. am i not doing enough, or just not well enough..?

time after time we have such talks, and each time i come away from it with that same old feeling. and i keep hoping for this feeling to change someday.

i keep trying to find my way beyond that smile. yet the route ahead seems pitch dark.

it's the same question tt has been hounding me for weeks. but i've never got down to asking for ur answer.

and u really shouldn't have rejected my help. cos i hated having to see u leave tt way.

random purple.

2006-11-01T07:48:00.000+08:00

trng again last night. and we totally disappointed her again. i know how tt feels. absolutely disheartening. that look, it kinda told everything. it's time we get our act together. we need to do sth for her.

and i honestly cannot stand u anymore. it's really sick, and i really wish to tell u how much i HATE even giving u a 2words answer whenever u talk to me. and quit hanging ard, u nv used to do that so dun start doing it now that he is among the willows. and u dun have to put on that front anymore. just to let u know, we've ALL seen thru u. make life easier for urself, take down that piece of crap on ur face.

had a sweet dream last night. dreamt of him. every once in awhile he'll visit me in dreamland. and it was made even better with u. i really hope u'll be alright..

i'll nv let u walk away that way again.

2006-10-29T21:14:00.000+08:00

caught the guardian yesterday. i really enjoy such movies. really do. but i realised im always having difficulties breathing when i watch them. and tt's why i guess, i prefer comedies. would rather spend 2 hrs laughing over sth silly than 10hrs on such shows. cos it doesn't stop playing when the lights come on. it lingers. for the next few hrs, the next day, and prob. even the next whole week to come. i dislike the pain that comes with it. and that very scene i keep trying to get over just won't quit replaying in my mind. im scared.

i used to think how things would be without u. but i realised i shouldn't have wasted my time on them. cos it wouldn't take long before the answer was slapped in my face.

my heater's gone, and all that left's the freezing chill.

2006-10-24T22:33:00.000+08:00

random pics from my gram's birthday dinner. which was.. last sunday. hah. one big family. held close together with her small hand:) i love holding her hands, though i always have to slant my body to one side to accomodate her height.. and i'll nv forget the way she held mine all these yrs:)

taking silly pics before dinner.. hah.. she's xiao bao. and im xiaolongbao. hah.. of cos. my mom's dabao. hah.

the cuzs i hold dear. we've grown up tgt, and shared alot. used to have our daily saturday night mini gathering at the macs below my gram's place.. but macs moved away, so we kinda havent really stuck to the weekly thing anymore. but we r always trying to make an effort to meet up:)

pic's not clear thou..

one big family. with my gram:) it takes ALOT of persuasion and effort to get her to leave the house... and she was so happy tt day, kept smiling for every pic like an innocent kid.. love her sooo much!!

with my uncle's family:) one of the pics in which she smiled so perfectly.. hah. tt lil boy in there used to be soooo naughty u just wanna kick him. hah.

gram just had a haircut yesterday, by my aunt. she looks even cuter now. hah.. and every night when i say 'gdnight' to her, she replies with a 'gdnite' too. hah.. and she always makes it an effort to try speaking to me in english when i say some english words to her.. other than that, it's normally conversations in dialects. :) she was like my mom, looking after me when my parents were busy with work in their younger days. and im so thankful she's still by my side after all these yrs..

2006-10-24T22:02:00.000+08:00

just back from dinner not long. super ex. dinner at lawry's at paragon.. three servings of lawry's cut and two lobster's tails.. my god. 3 people and we spent like 400bucks on FOOD. am gonna have to live on bread for the next few days to ease this guilt.. my serving of beef was soooo thick i thought they loved me so much.. so i chewed and chewed until i got so sick of chewing i wanted to puke. it's really quite disgusting to taste the same flavour continuously.. my crazy mom insisted on having it for dinner.. after she spent 300bucks on my specs. cos of my stupid lazy eyes. i really need to scrimp now.. saw so many things tt i wanted to get but cudn't even lay my hands on them after spending 700 in 2hrs.. mom always consoles herself saying it's not everyday that we eat such stuff. i chose to think like her for the first few times, but now.. it's quite hard to convince myself to eat gold.. but still, we really enjoyed the dinner:) it was a simple day out in town. but sth that we rarely do.. so it really means alot when mom agrees to go shopping with us. we seldom go town together, not even back then, so it makes me really love such days:)

short day tmr, two lectures only. then trng.. serious trng now. crap.

my mind has been clear these 2days. there's been good progress. but tmr. it'll probably be the real test. of whether i've really moved on.

i subconsciously seek the presence of tears each time u laugh. n i pray everyday. that they'll dry up someday.

2006-10-23T22:54:00.000+08:00

great day of lessons:) i enjoyed.. hah. love accounts. and marketing's getting interesting..seems like im making a right decision to heed ur words. just spoke to mom and sis bt the electives, and i figured. heck. challenge is what makes you come out stronger than the rest. and as sis said it, everything happens for a reason. i like to draw alot of motivation from them. it has never been easy for women to establish their footing in the world out there, but mom has done it great. and sis is coming up too. i've always believed that u left us for a reason. and i find myself right time after time.
unless u've been put in such a circumstance, u'll never know how it feels to see some light after a stretch of what seemed like endless darkness.

break again tmr:) gonna get my specs and contacts done.. hopefully can go town to get them. considering how much mom doesn't fancy gg town. hah.

i can't wait to drive.. first theory lesson has made me drive even more.

and i simply cannot believe all the crap and ridiculous stuff i've been hearing the entire night.. it's absolutely crappy. u really need to get a life and stop thinking the whole world's gonna do sth to ur girl.. mann u're crazy. don't expect the world to accomodate ur lack of trust in her and faith in urself. so quit tryin to put us in a spot idiot.

the beat keeps me going

2006-10-23T00:29:00.000+08:00

listening to two great songs now:) makes me so much lighter. hah. songs from a fren's band.. what a way to end my dreadful day of tutorials. hah.. a load of thanks.
i knew i was waiting for something like tt to release me from this crap. now i've found it, and thanks soooo much:> whoever the singer davin is, i totally love you. hah.

will upload them soon:) it's amazing how music therapy works. hah.. i havent felt so good in a really long time.. like i cud just plug these 2 songs in and listen to them thru the night and go to sch super early tmr:> thanks loads mann stam. hah.. as i just told tiff, i feel alive.

took 4hrs to do stupid aaa tutorial.. really can't concentrate with the com on.. must be more disciplined joyce.
long day at sch tmr, 9-6.. disgusting. then driving lessons after that.. at 6.. hah. gonna cab down from lecture..

actually i wanted to tell u, that for awhile, i thought it was mutual. 'was'. maybe the timing could have been diff though. it was a funny feeling. and i kinda didnt really acknowledged it, cos it nv struck me tt i would feel tt way.. didn't exactly know how to tell u earlier on. so yup. now we've both cleared our junk:)
it's been a long while since i last heard such news. hah.. the past is still quite vivid.

i wish the sun would shine a lil brighter:)
all set for a brand new week

2006-10-21T23:56:00.000+08:00

met tiff today. talked quite abit. she kinda got some stuff thru me.. for awhile. hah. but yep. i know what i need to do right now. for the next 4 months at least. so i'll change gears asap. since nth's gonna come out of it, i'll be pro-active for once.

pro-active = u said it.

every word u say gives me so much pressure. smtimes i really hope u could come ard and tell me everything's fine. but it has nv been that case.. it's always.. ' although... but..' why can't u just stop before the 'but'?
u tell me u wanna fast-forward the times u spend guiding me. and i wish i could explain, that the only reason why im taking so long to absorb ur words is becos of u.
i seldom find it hard to look someone in the eye, but it just nv happens with u.
so. i'll start looking into ur eyes, and taking ur words at the very level u speak. and no more pressure from u. enough.

tutorials day tmr. gonna do aaa and pmkt.. then gotta settle some stuff.. hopefully things will turn out fine.. done for the day. bad week. next week will be better:)

mom's my angel.

2006-10-20T22:21:00.000+08:00

signed up driving. gonna get over n done with the two basic theory lessons next wk, even though i've passed the test. some stupid procedure to follow.. then on to advance and sign up for practical at the same time. hopefully i'll be able to drive around by my birthday next yr:) went back sch at 3 to do some stuff for polympics. crappy stuff. then meeting at 6 with the committee. nice people all of them:) kinda settled most of the logistics, left with some bits and pieces to prepare. tired again. self trng tmr morning.. gonna try to get a gd nights sleep after last night's terrible rest.. asked limin bt her course of specialization and kinda see a lil light now. should be marketing, otherwise, HR.

and this morning's lecture was the first time i've been so focused this week. i really listened to his every word. and yes i understood everything for once. gotta keep this going and slap aside everything else.

it felt weird sitting beside u in that uncomfortable silence before u left. i hope u'll talk to me if sth's wrong. pls do.

and today. i didn't listen to a single track of that list. the very list that makes me lose my way. i found new songs. and i've got a new list. and i find myself not waiting by my phone anymore. when we meet next wed, u'll be out. yep.

i'm movin' on.

bye.

2006-10-19T20:28:00.000+08:00

boring lesson today.. social psychology.. only good thing is that the lineup for the next 5 weeks seem more interesting.. if one day u see me doing sth really absurd and ridiculous in town, pls act normal, and behave as u would if it's someone else. i'll just be carrying out an experiment to observe people's behaviors and reactions:) lesson was boring, very theoretical, but learnt a lil too.

i keep going in circles, with absolutely no idea how to walk a straight line. i need to focus. i haven't been able to concentrate at all. not a single thing i've learnt this week has gotten in. it's time to snap out of this vicious cycle and run along again. 3 more days of nonsense. after which i'll not think abt it anymore.
i'll construct my reality. i'll convince myself with a reason for not thinking. cos things shouldn't have gone this way. right.

so the next time we meet, u'll be out of my mind.

moving on to track 7

2006-10-19T08:39:00.000+08:00

not too bad a game last night, didn't manage to reach her target of 8, but the overall play has improved alot. so we've achieved our aim in joining this competition even though we were barely prepared.
all went for dinner after the game. then home again at 11. tired.

i'll quit thinkin bt u. dont like the feeling of having to anticipate and watch meticulously for ur every move. i miss the freedom, where nth else mattered much. and i won't allow myself to fall in any deeper. out i come.

give me a reason to stir up these feelings.

2006-10-18T09:42:00.000+08:00

trng again last night. shagged.. but we finally worked things out, the motion's there. and im starting to feel the way i did when sy and i played tgt back then:) lovin' it.
aching up down everywhere, it's just a matter of time i'll sprain both loose ankles.. just lemme last thru tonight's game will do. last game tonight. it's of great importance. we definitely can't win, but our only concern is to bring the goal diff as lil as possible. new combi tonight, hope it works out the way it did yesterday night:)

and im really loving trng now. thanks so much.
ur presence makes a diff.

because of u

2006-10-15T18:07:00.000+08:00

awful week. terible games. only consolation came when gram smiled so much at dinner last night. we celebrated her birthday yesterday over dinner at west coast. we haven't seen her smile so much in almost a yr.. the atmosphere. perfect. when we sang her the birthday songs, each and every one of us. teared. that kinda feeling. it's as though u're really grateful for all that u have now. as much as we may have conflicts every now and then, we're just so grateful she's still with us, still holding the entire family together, and slowly stepping out of this horrid circle of depression. we've come a long way, almost 10 mths in this circle. it has been really tiring. we've shared her depression. day in day out we hear her groan and moan. it definitely has got to us, however small an extent it may be. and it's only at such big gatherings that u feel the warmth of a big family. at the very second itself, the coldness disappears and warmth rushes in. i love them all. even my aunt who nv seems to stop irritating me. they've all been there for us, and they are also the ones who taught me to grow and to love. :)

this aside, played 3 games over 5 days. lousy. another game tmr. and my partner went down with a tear in her ligament. of all things to happen.. only can hope for the best tmr.

trying hard to get over this feeling. i know i can do it.

and thanks loads ms lovely, for bringing me to terms with my past:)

2006-10-08T16:37:00.000+08:00

been finding all sorts of ways to get out of the house this week. it's really too pressurizing at home. i feel like her personal maid. crap.

tues's training got me a lil scared of myself. how i actually enjoyed training more with coach. i clearly remember how i used to dislike her so much i had to drag myself to trng. and even wanted to quit the game cos of her. but now i've found one more reason to go for trng whole-heartedly. and i totally love it again. next week's a competition week. we're playing in the POL-ITE competition with the other polys and ite. and i've been hearing alot bt how the other polys have been preparing for the games, especially sp. and when i think of how we only really got our players 3 weeks again, a whole lot of inconfidence comes around. in either case we'll just try our best and keep learning. it's the ivp games in january that really matter still.

met annie hsin da and sy last sat:) had steamboat at turfcity, then went down to island creamery. hung ard and did alot of catching up.. i really miss those days when it was netball at 6.30am and netball again at 3.30pm. when i spent my time on sth i thought was my life. shall try to meet up for a game after their As:)

and last nite was steamboat again with carolyn and aaron. they looked so tired.. one came from work, the other from blading. and me. from home after trng. told that girl something i think shocked her. at least it seemed that way from her look. then went arcade for bishi bashi (if tt's how u spell it. hah.) i realised all my frens love this game. for i dunno what reasons. hah. then she taught me sth really interesting while we were on the train. we were packed like sardines but there was still some space and we were trying to get our balance. so she just stuck out her second finger. so naturally i asked, and she said it helps to keep u balanced. and when i wanted to try it after that, the dumb train jolted so i ended up 'dancing', in her words. hah. she's flying off to bangkok.. and i'm stuck here finding ways to escape. told her to get some hermit crabs for me:)

then of cos, back home again near 11.. was too late so culdn't do any catching up with my cuzs. oh and i have no freaking idea if it's coincidental or what, but i just realised that on two occasions, after i meet my cuz's gf for the first time, both ended up as the last time i would meet them. it always seems such that a month plus after i talk to them, they'll break up with him.. think i shld just keep clear and not ask him to let me meet her. so now he's escaping too. both of us, from reality.

there are plans to go europe in december, after common tests:) can't wait!

gonna teach a class of sec 3 students, financial investment stuff next tuesday. first time teaching. even presentation has only been in front of at most 25 people. now it's gonna be 40 odd. and it's teaching. im really praying it'll go well. went NUS last sunday for first session of trng and was there again just now for the second round.

last week of holiday next week, three days down for games, 1 for trng, 1 for rest, 1 for work, and 1 for meeting up. going eyecentre on wed, hope i'll get the letter of approval allowing me to drive.. then fri visit to newater for tour.. just becos they are gonna sponsor our event.. what a chore..

certain things are just too random. it's better off not knowing than trying to find out. makes the world a simpler place to live in. each time i read such things, everything starts coming. so better off not reading.

clubhouse

2006-09-28T14:46:00.000+08:00

came to sch ard 10 to do my IS enrolment, had to trouble glenn to help me check if was accessible cos i knew i wud be late. thanks loads glenn! and yep got in without any hitch, amazingly. but there were few modules to choose from.. wanted to take social psychology and service innovation but the latter was only available from week 1-7, so had to end up taking global cities. had to enrol real fast cos every time u move away from the particular enrolment page, a slot wud be gone and there were only like 1 or 2 slots for each module. my goodness. count myself lucky. then headed for clubhse, and did some own training and shooting. enjoyed:) preparing for sat's game with coach's friends.. gonna get whacked for sure. so now im sitting in the clubhse blogging. gonna stay home tmr probably. prob if carolyn's not working then will get out of the house or sth. otherwise, a full day at home. i think the situation's quite bad now, as in i can stay home the entire day without speaking a single word to my irritating aunt. considering the constant movement around her, it sounds weird not to be talking to her. yet i totally don't feel like i wana say anything or even listen to her. crap.. it's so pressurizing everywhere. even at home. so much responsibility just cos she doesn't wanna get a maid. argh. so i've to sacrifice my time to look after my gram every single minute of the day. and she'll never get well with all the attention showered on her. i mean who won't want attention and care, it's such a natural want and need. but when u overdo it, u'll kill the person. it's hard to even get out of the house.

had work yesterday, first day of work since my hols started, and shld be the last. one day thing only. did some escorting and helped out at the counter at the world roads conference. how lame can the name get. not too bad, met some nice people, and realised how much we chinese take things for granted, like everything and everybody ought to be at ur dispense. it's disgusting. i really like the way the caucasians actually show that they appreciate ur help, as small as it may be. it really means alot, and i definitely wanna learn this aspect of their culture. that aside, it was pretty much a fine day. i always enjoy meeting delegates:) hah. other than attending to the guests from time to time, carolyn and i were rotting quite abit. had time to even play pictionary. hah.somehow my jokes make me laugh at myself real hard. hah.. and her stupid 'hai de hen duo er zi'. hah.

was dead tired when i got home.. all the walking in the heels got me so tired, instead of the work.. heels are awful. i love shoes and slippers.

oh and i really loved sunday's dinner with my ah ma and aunts. they're all so nice.. despite us not going down to my ah ma's hse often.. it means so much to me when i feel their love. and i know he would be very happy if he was around with us. but i know he's always around:) i was telling my mom on sat bt how much i missed my ahma's spicy minced meat with extra lots of garlic, and on sunday she turned up with what i was wishing for exactly:) and she's always telling my sis and i to let her know if we wanna eat her tom yum soup or pig's heart cooked in ultra delicious rice wine, and she would go to the market, get the stuff and cook before my mom goes down to her place to bring it back for us. that's why she's such a sweetie. she makes me feel so guilty forhurrying my dad and mom back from her place every time we went down when we were young. but what hurts most is how i was told that my gonggong would wait for my family to reach before starting the meal. and i was so reluctant to have dinner at my ah ma's place last time, so knowing this only after he left took me down back then. i just wanna love my ah ma more now.

gonna finish up a book and return soon b4 i get another fine.

2006-09-24T16:48:00.000+08:00

finally decided to blog. haven't updated for some time..

timeline-- exams ended, went perak, back with a disgusting bout of stomach flu (what's new), started training again, slacking at home looking after gram, meeting up with the girls:), looking for a job now (after 2 weeks of rotting), getting in shape for upcoming games, visiting nat. eyecentre, signing up for driving again, and lastly taking a good break.

kinda routined life, 4mths of slogging then 6wks of break.. seems like good, but the 6weeks makes it hard to get into condition for the following 4mths after that.

perak trip first:
i honestly dunoo how i should put it, whether it was enjoyable or not, cos the after-trip thing made it so sick. but yep i guess i realised my weaknesses, coming face to face with water has never been more frightening. it was definitely fun, the rafting and the abseiling. only that the body rafting drill made me rooted to the ground. very much regret not doing one of the drills, but still, am glad i actually did manage to calm myself down for the last one and the capsizing. need to go do sth bt it i think..overall, quite an enjoyable trip:)

came back and got the silly gastric flu again so was stuck at home for 4whole dreadful days.. and it made me remember the very first time i experienced this sort of pain, when i was 8. it was so painful then that i just rolled around the house and my dad carried me on his back to the nearest clinic, with me crying non-stop. his back was unusually warm. then got it a couple of times again throughout the yrs, and another time in china, lijiang. he was also the one who brought me to the hospital and stayed just beside the whole long night. the sight of the doctor and hospital obviously didn't make things better cos the doc was limping to me, and the toilet walls were like, splashed with shit. and the oxygen tank, it's literally the huge long metal oxygen tank they used ages ago. but still, i felt so safe with him by my side. always have been.

went to driving centre to sign up for the practical lessons last week, but i was told to get a letter from the eyecentre to certify me fit to drive with the lazy eye problem. argh.. so gt an appt for the following wed, afterwhich i'm gonna sign up straight away. i wanna drive. and sis is giving me daily reminders to get my license. what a nag. other than that, gonna try to get a job for the last 3 weeks of hols, and prepare for the games starting 9th oct.

met germ julie and my partner yesterday in town, chilled out and talked for 5htrs. talked alot. and thought alot. hah. even after we left..

oh yes and got my ipod video.. finally:)

going off for dinner with my ah ma and aunts. love her loads. she's such a sweetie.